22. 10,000 Views!

Since the last post the page view-count has passed 10,000! I thank all of my loyal readers for still having a gander. I am still enjoying writing this 'online journal' of sorts, and will continue to do so at the rate of about four posts a month, but not always one post a week!

Well AI will be finished in the next few days, which means bring on the bulls! I havn't got round to chancing my arm (literally) as much as I would have liked, mainly because my cow maneuvering skills are too good not to be utilised.

The weather has been unable to make up its mind, in the last week we have had days with non-stop rain and days where suncream and shorts were the order of the day. But it has been warm constantly. Myself and Daniel were sent out to see how much the grass was growing. The tool to do this is the plate meter, here is Dan holding one.

The plate meter measures the density of the grass and gives a reading in kg of dry matter per hectare. Immediately after grazing, it should be at about 1500 kgDM/ha and it should be at 2800 - 3000 kgDM/ha when the cows are put onto the paddock.

And here is me showing good plate-metering technique. It involves a lot of walking and on a hot day is bloody knackering, especially when there is 150-odd hectares to measure. I have a feeling it is called a plate meter because it is a job farmers do when they have not got much on their plate. It took us a good few hours.

Potential pasture critics please ignore the amount of docks in the above photo!

We have stopped feeding out silage over the last week or two, although this is probably mainly due to the tractor being broken down. We do have tons of grass though. David is pretty keen on feeding a bit of supplementary silage, his view is very much that you get out what you put in.

In other news I have bought my first real cowboy hat, as an actual practical tool rather than a fancy dress accessory! Now you may not know but I am a bit of a fan of a good old western movie, and farming cows somewhere with a hot climate provides a perfect vehicle for me to get away with wearing one. I can't wait to be riding around on my quad-horse chewing tobacco (I won't really be chewing tobacco).

Here is me with the new hat and the obligatory thousand-yard-stare.

Dan, James and myself went to see the new Bond film last night (it has only just arrived in Oamaru). It was pretty amazing, I loved the nods to the early Bond films e.g. the Aston and M's studded leather office door! I wouldn't go as far as to say it made me home-sick, but it definitely increased my patriotism (if that was possible). I will be referring to myself now as a British ex-pat currently residing in a former colony, who is infiltrating the fastest growing industry in NZ to discover its secrets and bring them back to good old Blighty.
I'll have a beer, warm, not cold.

The other day David asked me if I wanted to book any holiday off this summer, so I am busy planning a trip (in my head at the moment). I'm thinking a week or 10 days long roadtrip up the west coast and onto the North Island. I will endeavour to get as much of the country in as possible in my year here. There will be some serious blogging action after that I can warn you now!


Righto, I am off fishing now. Back soon.

21. Top Ten Annoying Cows To Milk

Here is the list of the most frustrating, infuriating and unpleasant types of cows to milk. There is always at least one of each in the herd.

If you milk cows for a living, there is a good chance this will resonate with you!

10. 'The Low Udder'

The Low Udder is as you might have predicted when the teats are particularly close to the floor. This is due to the cow being either very short or having a huge udder. It means there is not much room for the cluster and your hand when cupping on. The rubber pipes get kinked and stops the vacuum which prolongs the annoyance as your knuckles are scraped against the concrete.

9. 'The Nervous Dancer'

The Nervous Dancer will not stand still whilst cupping on. She hops from one foot to the other, it is neither aggressive or likely to cause injury but it is incredibly irritating. It is if she is desperate for a wee and is trying to hold it in, or maybe she is just dancing to the music of The Rock FM.

8. 'The Mud Grater' 

The Mud Grater is often combined with the Nervous Dancer, and occurs when there is a load of dry mud on her legs. This rubs up against the forearm, scratching the skin and causing stinging when washing the arms. Especially when washed in the acid water from the milking plant wash. 

7. 'The Small Titter'

The Small Titter has, as you may have already guessed, small teats. These small teats do not hold the cups on well, they fall off while cupping on, immediately after cupping on and continuously for the duration of the milking. A bottle of tail paint, a brick, or another similar sized object can be used to prop up the clusters.

6. 'The Short Heifer'

The Short Heifer is not just the presence of a short heifer, it is when a particularly short heifer pushes forward as much as possible. This makes it near impossible to reach her udder to cup on, unless you are sporting arms of an extreme length (Ben Pocock). The way past this situation is to risk putting ones head below the kick bar which usually protects the face from flying hooves. This is a dangerous move but in rare cases is necessary. 

5. 'The Tail Flicker'

A cows tail is a lot stronger than you might think, and when combined with a cold morning, the wet slap across the face is horrible. A cow that has avoided the shears and still has plenty of hair on the end of its tail often collects a good quantity of shit there, which makes it worse. A clipped tail has less cushioning, so a slap from one of those is not great either. 

4. 'The Cup Kicker'

The Cup Kicker does not enjoy the process of being milked. So much so that as soon is she is left alone, she kicks the cups off. Highly irritating this often results in her leg being roped to the the kick bar. When milking over 500 cows, having to cup on one more than once gets very tiresome. 

3. 'The Defecator'

Cows eat a lot, and therefore expel the waste a lot too. Spending a couple of hours below a cows tail is bound to be risky. Quick reactions and dodging skills are mandatory to be a  non shit-covered milker of cows. The Defecator is particularly tiresome because she waits until you are directly behind her before releasing the payload. The face, down the neck and down the welly are probably the worse areas to be targeted. 

2. 'The Urinator'

Surprisingly worse then the Defecator, the Urinator holds all the same attributes as its more solid counterpart. The warm liquid is worse than the warm solid, mainly because of the presence of urea in it, causing a smell that really gets you in he back of the throat. It also stings when it gets in ones eyes or cuts (caused by the Mud Grater). A reasonably experienced milker can tell the difference between the Defecator and the Urinator, purely by the sound of it hitting the concrete floor. 

1. 'The Aggressive Kicker' or 'The B****'

Occasionally when a cow is in a particularly bad mood, she will target the milker as opposed to the actual milking equipment. Hands and arms are in the most danger, but most serious would obviously be the head, hence the presence of a protective bar at about head height. On occasion I have been kicked in the ribs, which can be pretty painful. There are generally two types of Aggressive Kickers, ones who let fly as you are  cupping on, the trick is to stay and guide the hoof away with ones arm, and the 'Random Kick Out Of The Blue.' This occurs when you are just walking past, and the cow is surprised, her first reaction is to let fly. The speed at which the hoof hits you means dodging is unlikely. For this reason it is good practice to keep talking to the cows to make them aware of your presence. 

You know it is a bad milking when all ten of these occur. It doesn't happen often, but when it does it makes you wonder why you got up at 4am for this!

In other news this photo has been shortlisted for the Farmers Weekly Photography competition!

This is a nice surprise as I didn't really think about it much when I entered it. The prize is cash (always much appreciated) and also it being featured in the magazine.

I have just had a few days off and I had planned to go fishing but the weather has taken a turn for the worst, and I am a fair weather fisherman. So instead I went to Dunedin to do my Christmas shopping. Being male I had everything sorted in about an hour. I am not much of a shopper, so I planned it out properly. Wrote a list, googled where the appropriate shops were and devised an order of purchasing so I bought the heaviest stuff last. It took me longer to drive to Dunedin than the time I actually spent in the city.

The NZ overseas postal service is pretty efficient, easy to use and a reasonable price. You buy a prepaid box, which come in various sizes, fill it and pay accordingly for the weight. That doesn't mean however, that all my loyal readers will be receiving Christmas presents!

Righto, I am eating into my allotted hour for breakfast now, so I better start eating into my actual breakfast.

Keep reading.

20. Fishing / AI / Frozen Nads

First off, I have a good excuse for the delayed update of this blog. The internet has been down for a few days, so I have been unable to post.

Included in this post are stories about my first fishing trip of the season, the start of British influence on the herd breeding program and a party in a wool shed.

Last weekend, I went to break in my new gear on the Maerewhenua River at Dansey's Pass, one of the most beautiful places I have ever been (and my favourite and the most dangerous road I have ever driven on, see post 13). You will have to take my word for it that the name of the river is spelled correctly, I am about 75% sure it is. I have no idea how to pronounce it either, which made for some awkward moments when I was chatting to the bloke in the fishing shop.

The sun was out and it looked like perfect conditions for fly fishing, so after setting up my reel, choosing a likely looking fly (pheasant tail nymph) and saying good morning to a bloke who was panning for gold, I set off up river.

I clambered and scrambled my way over the rocks and shale that edge the water looking for pools, where the water slows down enough to allow a bit of control over the line and fly. It is also where Mr Trout is most likely to be sitting, waiting for a fly to drop right in front of his nose.

The stand out characteristic of NZ rivers is how clear they are, you can see the rocky bed and also any fish looking to eat a potentially fatal snack.

This is a picture of a fish. Good luck trying to find it, but you can see how clear the water is.

Not being a vastly experienced or skilled  fly fisherman, it took me an hour or so to get my casting right. I also spent a bit of time messing around with my camera and assorted gadgets trying to take a picture of myself casting.

You will notice that I have not gone down the wader route of fishing, but down the shorts and 'prepare to jump in if I get a bite' route, hence barefoot.

I didn't see a cloud all day, but right after I had eaten the bacon sandwiches that were squashed at the bottom of my tackle bag, it did get a bit breezy. When I nearly pierced my own ear with the hook mid-cast, I decided to call it a day.

Here is a picture of me posing with the day's catch.

Yes I know, there are no fish. Disappointed as I am, I am not surprised that my efforts proved futile. It is actually all part of the plan, I don't want to catch any fish early on in the season. I am allowing them to grow into monsters, so that when I do catch a few they will put up a good fight and make a decent sized supper.

On the way home I took what in any other country would be called a 'scenic route'. Here on the South Island of NZ, every route is scenic. I took a different route home, and stopped on the top of a hill to take in some of the great views. I could see both the ocean and the Southern Alps from the same spot, and duly snapped away. It might sound strange but I love a good photograph of green fields and blue sky!

Last weekend I also went to my first ever party in a NZ wool shed. It was an early Christmas party and the farm owner, Grant's 60th birthday party combined. Held on his upland sheep and beef station, Glencoe, it was definitely the first party I have been to in an actual wool shed where you stood on the dirty shavings and put your drinks down on the shearing and wool bagging equipment. They had a bathtub full of Speight's, a few patio heaters and a top notch BBQ. They also had a hired jukebox which only seemed to have 70's music on and the soundtrack to Grease. The open sides of the shed meant that it got pretty cold, we stood around a massive gas heater slow-roasting ourselves, getting too warm on the side facing the heat and too cold on the other side. I knew it was a casual affair when upon asking someone if they knew of the whereabouts of a toilet, I was directed outside to a patch of nettles and told; 'Be quick or you'll freeze your nads off'.'

In the last few days I have AI'd one cow. There were twelve to be served on the morning when I had my camera. I managed one whilst at the same time Marlene / Usain Bolt, the AI technician had done the other eleven. I would say I am a bit out of practice, but I will be doing a few more in the next few days I think.

Here is a few pictures of me in action, AI-ing away.

Without going into too much detail (for those of you with a squeamish disposition), my arm was suitably achy afterwards, having been squeezed very tightly. The best way of me explaining what it feels like to AI a cow is for you to imagine trying to catch a live goldfish and put a straw in his mouth, in the dark, and with a very powerful blood pressure monitor around your forearm, which is inside a cow, who is not particularly comfortable.

Right I will leave you with that.

Until next time, over and out. 

19. Artificial Insemination

WARNING: This post contains images that could be viewed as explicit, involving hands and various orifices near a cows tail. 

Two things have belatedly arrived this week, the last calf and also the sun.

Here is a photo of me struggling to hold the final calf of the season.

He had plenty of beans, probably because he was saving up his energy about a month longer than he should have done in the womb. 

If one was to split the NZ dairy farming year into four, we have now finished the calving quarter, and are now into the breeding quarter. The aim of the game is to get as many of the cows in calf as quick as possible, and in as shorter period as possible. The name of the game is artificial insemination (AI) or artificial breeding as it is often referred to here. 

The cows are AI'd for six weeks and then a team of bulls is brought to the farm to 'sweep up' any that have not successfully been inseminated through AI. The six weeks allow a maximum of three cycles (21 day interval) but usually just the two. The bulls will hang around for a few months, I think into January. There will definitely be future blog posts about the big boys! 

As humans, we don't have the senses and instincts of a bull to judge when a cow is ovulating and most fertile or 'on heat'. There is not a large window of time to get it right and deposit the bull juice into the cow at the point of optimum fertility. The way we notice a cow is on heat, is largely by the behavioral change, known as bulling. The most obvious signal is when a cow is ridden by another and stands to be mounted, a kind of false mating. 

I have carried my camera around for a few days and with 15 to 20 cows on heat per day, you would have thought I could have got a decent picture. But I always seem to have my hands full or I am too slow with the camera. This picture is all I managed to get, and quite frankly I am disappointed with myself. 

I borrowed this image from the internet to properly illustrate what I am describing. 

All the cows have a thick stripe of paint applied to the top of their tail which allows us to check to see if they have been ridden, like the fat cartoon cows above. 

This picture shows what the tail paint looks like before bulling. Different colours apply to different groups, such as early/late calvers or cows that have already been served. 

After a cow has stood to be mounted, the tail paint is rubbed off and is quite obvious when checked during morning milking.

Cows showing signs of bulling are drafted out to be served that morning. 

Artificial insemination is done by placing semen in the uterus of the cow by means of a long syringe like instrument that I call a gun, but probably has another proper name. Here is one used this morning. 

This is inserted into the vaginal tract and guided through the cervix with ones hand, which is in the rectum. The semen is deposited in the uterus, and should when correctly done, facilitate the fusion of sperm and egg. 

Our AI here is done through a company called LIC (Livestock Improvement Corporation) who send out an AI technician every day for the breeding period. Ours is Marlene, who arrives after breakfast and serves the cows at a ridiculous pace. 

Here she is on a mission, with Dan holding the ready loaded guns. 

As I am also qualified (in the UK), any future employers reading take note, I will be AI'ing a couple in a few weeks. They will have to be cows that are cycling having been served once already to protect the reputation of LIC, and Marlene. Hopefully my accuracy will be good, the reputation of a nation rests on my shoulders, and in my gloved, lubed hand. 

To completely change the subject, THE SUN HAS ARRIVED! It is getting pretty warm and I am going to buy a cowboy hat and some factor 50 this weekend because I burn like a slice of toast. I have got some proper NZ farmer tan lines, which differ from the conventional British ones. As well as the forearms and the V on the neck there is the thigh lines, developed by extensive wearing of very short rugby shorts. 

With the sun, has come a rise in soil temperature, and a subsequent rise in grass growth. To call it a growth boom would be exaggeration, but we are feeding out a lot less silage now. 

That is a size 11 welly there, and after a 24 day round, the grass is looking good. 

The grass is not only growing in the paddocks, but also on our lawn. Halfway through cutting it I thought we should really have silaged it, there was enough there. 

That is all for today, any questions about AI, don't hesitate to ask. I'll leave you with a picture I rather like, of the cows having had their first meal of the day enjoying a sit down, and a drink.

For those of you interested in sport, nutrition and keeping healthy, check out my friend's blog: http://foodfitnessandsport.blogspot.co.uk/